I'm going to lock up the members of Lifetime in my closet until they come to their senses...
Here's something you should know about me. In my younger and more vulnerable years, i was into emo. Like seriously into emo. Please stop laughing.
Now, i feel as if i've redeemed myself already. The last emo album i bought was probably in around the year 2000, when the entire genre undoubtably went to shit. Since then, I've led the fight against this ever growing evil to the music scene. And i honestly think that i've sold about 95% of my old emo CDs on ebay already. So that was that. The past was erased.
When i was 18 (1998), my favorite album of all time was "Jersey's Best Dancers" by Lifetime. From the time i bought it at the end of high school, i put it on and pretty much left it on repeat for about two years. It was such a revelation within that genre for me. The drums were so unbelievably fast that you could listen to it and not appear to be a complete pussy, which is what most other emo bands turned you into. It was just as much hardcore as it was emo.
To this day, two of the only remaining emo CDs in my collection are the above mentioned album and it's predecessor "Hello Bastards". I'm willing to defend these albums to the death. Not only because they were so great and influential to me, but also because they spawned an even better band out of their ashes, Kid Dynamite.
When Lifetime broke up in around '97, it broke my heart. At that point, i would have paid $100 to see them live. The fact that i didn't get to see them was a mistake that hung over my head for years.
But time passes. People grow up. New bands come and take other's places.
When all the emo bands started abandoning the original emo sound in around 2000, they all started to become mall-sounding pop-punk bands. For a couple of years, when i found out that people listened to this shit, i would always say the same thing..."If you like that crap, go out and buy Lifetime's albums. All these bands are just ripping them off and turning their sound into a more radio-friendly shitstorm."
People would laugh and forget about it.
A little more time passed.
A couple years ago, the whole world started heeding my advice and a huge revival of people started listening to them and realizing that, yes, it is a fact that they pretty much created the template for all these bands to work upon and eventually destroy.
Fast forward to this month.
Lifetime is reuniting. Not just for a show or two, plus the eventual full tour that will come about, but also for a full new album on a new label. It's a full scale reunion.
What label you ask? Decaydance. Yes, that Fueled by Ramen subsidiary that is owned by some douchebag that's in the worst band to ever walk the earth, Fall Out Boy. (tears are forming)
This just plain pisses me off for so many reasons that i don't even think i can begin to explain them all right here. But let's just say that they mostly fall into the categories of:
1. Selling out. Plain and simple
2. Making money for evil people.
3. Letting the opportunity to sign to an actual good label pass them by.
4. Inviting every mallrat in American into their once exclusive party.
5. Obviously looking to score 15 year-old gash, which is what emo revolves around these days.
6. Every other reason you can think of to hate a band for signing to a certain label.
Next, look at these bands their playing with nowadays...AFI, Taking Back Sunday, Saves the Day, Say Anything, Panic! At the Disco, Fall Out Boy, et al.
YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
These bands were still in diapers when you were creating the scene.
In your 5th year as a band, you were playing small VWF's in the swamps of Jersey. In these other bands 5th year together, they were selling their 2nd gold record and counting millions of dollars in merch sales. They didn't pay their dues like you did.
What pisses me off most is the group of people Lifetime is going to be playing/selling to from here on in. We're talking the bottom of the pile, shit of the earth, new school pussies. These are the people with white belts, skin tight girls pants, and ironic combovers that they don't even realize are combovers. These dumbs shits have every albums by Fall Out Boy, Brand New, and Green Day, but don't and won't ever own a copy of "Rubber Soul", "Odyssey and Oracle" or "Funhouse".They're just imitating the douchebags they see in the pictures on the inside layout to that album they just bought at Hot Topic. These people need to die. Every time i see one, i just wanna beat the fuck out them.
These people do not deserve a new Lifetime album. They don't deserve to see Lifetime live. They don't deserve to where a Lifetime shirt. Actually, they do deserve that last one because they'll actually be stupid enough to pay $40 for that sweatshop made hoodie that they get at the next big emofest.
This is not jealousy. This is just something that's been building up inside me for a very long time. It's just took this new revelation to push me passed the breaking point.
Therefore, I propose that we find the members of Lifetime and lock them in a closet. We will not let them out until they come to their senses.
Here is what they need to agree to:
1. Let the past stay in the past.
2. Don't destroy the legacy you have created.
3. Stop looking for that almighty dollar (just b/c you just turned 35 doesn't mean that you aren't able to make cash somewhere else).
4. Don't let these new-school suckasses placate you enough to overstay your welcome.
5. Don't forget your roots.
6.Don't forget your real fans.
7. Drop these new "friends" that you've made in the scene.
8. When you record what will undoubtably be a horrible reunion album, make sure you sound nothing like these new bands you're touring with.
9. Dr. Dan Yemin must promise to reunite Kid Dynamite.
10. And most of all...please, please, please call off this reunion.
Recent Comments